A few things I learned about Alligators today at The Gator Chateau in Jennings, LA, where I got to hold two different baby gators:

Gators are soft, not scaly.

Like a velociraptor, they like to watch you with one eye. Clever girl!

They can not swim backwards.

They don’t make sharp turns easily.

They can run 15-20 MPH in short bursts.

They can go months without eating.

They can survive in a frozen pond or river as long as their nostrils are exposed.

Female gators grow about a foot a year until the are 10.

Males grow at the same rate, but keep growing after age 10.

Females only give birth every two years, usually in June.

They can live to be over 100 years old.

The gender of a nest of eggs is determined by temperature: warmer = male, cooler = female.

Warmer summers have led to more males being born.

After two years, a baby is either abandoned or eaten. Parents — take note!

They don’t chew their food. Whatever they eat, they swallow whole.

They use water to drown their prey.

If it is too large, they will hook it underwater and come back later after it has “softened” so they can take bites.

If you want to make them open their mouth, put your fingers in their nostrils.

Unlike lizards, if you cut off their tail, it does not grow back. They die.

Takeaway from all this: If you are ever being chased by a gator, don’t run in a straight line or a zig zag, run in a circle. If the gator does bite you, go for the nostrils. And know if you are somehow swallowed by a massive gator, you will be slowly digested over the course of months.

Fun!

— The Impostor